The Stainless Saga

Na wa o! It took you a whole two weeks and three days to come back. I was beginning to choke on all the tea. Abeg refrigerate your excuses and serve them somewhere else! I am only a salon with spills. But I like how you humans live like time is one of the things you can make and destroy when you see fit. Tell me sef, who una dey really fool?

You don’t have to do your face like that now. Oya just forget it. It’s probably all that marking and demolition of shops going on in Main Market, Onitsha. This your government is truly high on something. The dust and particles travel all the way here, clashing with half half tales of a thousand people. But una dey too obsessed with una life to hear am—see the dust gathering around you. Can you hear them muttering? Oya, try the whispers in the wind. Try. Do you hear the regrets? Bless you. Toh, at least your nose can sense them as they look for anything that looks like rest, even if na your lungs. You see, this is why I must tell you everything. I choose to not be erased with a story left in me.

Hmmm, it’s even true. Guess what happened here last week. Guess nah. Ugo o, Samty’s fine bobo, came looking for her. You can imagine the level of audacity. I was expecting Samty to unleash her arsenal of anger on this guy, but no! Everything melted to nothing once he used his criminal baritone to say Sammie mi amor, please. My dear, it was over before anything even began, and he knew it. Not that I was even expecting Samty that is suffering from Iphone fever to now reject iPhone 15 pro max talk more of becoming automatically immune to Ugo’s sweet talk. Mtchewww. That man’s voice is a serious problem sha, coupled with his divinely sculpted face and expertise in gifting. Kai, a brain-formatting combo. When he left, she was busy saying that she now knew her place in his life and all that talk of ‘no man is perfect’ and that there are people with worse problems in their relationship. As per this thing she is doing with Ugo follow for relationship.  Omo, that girl, she needs deliverance. I overrated her true true. 

Abeg, let’s get into today’s tea. I wonder if we should begin from the first day Madam Stainless came to make her signature Shuku hairstyle two years ago, looking like a very brief Ojuju Calabar, abi her last time here which was five months ago. That first time, she wore a multicoloured, beaded caftan and hid her mass of tangles underneath a spongy blonde wig, which she held in place with a crown abi na red king’s cap. In all my years of existence, I have never seen such a hopeless, matted nest of natural hair. Toh, we can say she and Amaka are competing sha. With women like her, I have come to learn that all the exaggeration is just masking, trying so hard to prove who knows what. But Ogbeni na hair you come make, no be fashion parade. 

The last time Madam Stainless came here was on a particular evening when she decided not to pay Mama Naza after her Shuku. She talk say she don exceed her transfer limit, and Mama Naza was carrying face as if shit dey smell am. I know say na that pin go burst kasala. Madam Stainless had not even finished turning around to leave when Mama Naza said, how you go get money when you dey pay small small boys to dey service you. Nonsense. Omo, Madam Stainless snapped back and asked her who she was referring to. That’s how Mama Naza now sized her up from head to toe and asked her if the boy that comes to pick her car keys here sometimes is her son abi na brother. Hmm, that didn’t go well.

Yes o! The two of them went gbas gbos that day, but there are certain things you must know before we get there. Calm down, one tea at a time. 

Oh, you are asking if she spilled tea on her first day? Ahh! You think I call her Information Supplier for nothing? Even that day, she served it hot hot.

Her first ever spill was about one couple that passed on a bike and waved at her. The funny thing is, she and Mama Naza actually bonded quickly that first day, just speaking about random things. They even spoke about how unbelievable it is that people break spaghetti before they cook it and the keys to getting jollof rice right. The recipe? Well, it was something about continuous low heat and frying every spice, then to take it easy on the water. Listen, yes, they bonded over random conversations, but their souls mated when that couple passed.

The couple seemed ordinary to me. But the stainless gist was that men did not want her in her youth, even though she was a hard worker and well-behaved. She come even add say the woman kept going from one prayer house to another, and every prophecy was about a madman that cursed her mother while she was still in the womb. No, she couldn’t confirm this according to Madam Stainless, because her mother died when she was fifteen. The man she married sef was very broke when they met—our information supplier labeled him a puppet in the dumps. 

Madam Stainless said it was even the woman that chased the man, and because she was truly valuable to him, he just had to let her pay her bride price on his behalf. How she even knew all these details sef, I do not know. Mama Naza, being Mama Naza, now said, Ehn, by the grace of God, I dey see dem with one small girl wey resemble the man, dem get pikin nau? Madam Stainless left that one first and started telling us that she is called stainless because she is ever in bloom as a woman and has never begged a man. Like from where to where? Who ask her that one? Then later she started talking about how she is worried about the couple’s daughter having a worse fate than her mother, asking how they are sure the curse has been broken when the woman’s whole marriage is based on her doing gumbody and being the man of the house. A very misplaced worry. You can imagine Madam Stainless worrying about someone’s daughter when her daughters are walking failed projects. 

Bless you! Sorry, the dust. Yes, yes, I was talking about the walking failed projects, those ones. Mtcheww. One of them came here sef one Saturday to serve us afternoon tea. Not that I expected any better from Madam Stainless’s breed, but you see a busy salon, it is the worst conceivable place to come and beg your mother to come back home. Haba, how expensive is common sense? 

The girl seemed put together and respectful when she arrived here o. I mean she greeted properly, genuflecting, but true true, apples don’t fall far from the tree. In less than two minutes of her arrival, she was already pouring out tea about how classless her father’s girlfriend was and about a very salty Ogbono soup that the lady had prepared. She said she was sure it made her father hypertensive. There is something very interesting that happens when gist like this arrives. No matter how busy or noisy the shop was before, my dear, silence spreads like wildfire.

I expected Madam Stainless to shut her up or at least change the topic, but she was way too invested, so we all tuned in. Apparently, the said girlfriend was the man’s secretary and started working with him two years ago. Madam Stainless found out about their relationship last year. But before this girlfriend, there were three others. Only that he brought this one into his home. There was a particular Nneka—it was not really clear what her position was among the past three, maybe she was the second or third—who almost made the man’s business bankrupt. 

When Madam Stainless went to a strong dibia in Aguata, it was revealed to her that Nneka was using something very strong on her husband. That's why he was barely home and they were having money issues. She even gave us directions to the place should the rest of us need it—it had a signboard that read TEST AND SEE in white paint on a blackboard. The potion she went home with was supposed to increase his love for her, save her marriage, and break his connection with Nneka. Toh, he left Nneka and came home, but the marriage was not apparently saved. So, that afternoon, her daughter was proposing another visit to Aguata.  

Wait o! Did I mention that this is Madam Stainless’s third marriage? Ah! I missed that? Oya, let’s rewind. Before her daughter came, there was a day she  and Mama Naza were talking about men and marriage. Their conversation began from the angle of how much women give up in marriage. Mama Naza was talking about an investment she had been working towards for years and how it ended when her  husband’s only brother got ill and her husband begged her to help pay the bills. He promised to pay back. It has been five years since the brother’s death, yet every time she brings it up, he calls her insensitive. Meanwhile, the ingrate just bought a third car he doesn’t need. Then Mama Naza moved the conversation to the high divorce rate in new-generation marriages and the number of mature, unmarried women. That was when Madam Stainless told her she was focusing on the wrong things, saying that tides have turned—women these days no longer marry for survival—it is the men who desperately need to state what it is they bring to the table. 

That was when Madam Stainless now started talking about her second marriage. She said she had entered there for protection and provision because things were really hard and she could barely fend for her daughter and herself. But six months into the marriage, the man came home drunk one night and raped her daughter. Hmmm, my dear. Your shock is not even ‌half of Mama Naza’s own when she heard it that day! Madam Stainless said she was so close to killing the man that night. The girl was only thirteen! A baby. God forbid! I cannot believe someone went through nine months of struggle and pain to birth such an animal. A waste of a man! At least Madam Stainless  gave him a beating that left him unconscious and forever limping. 

No, no. Not the daughter who came to serve us tea. I told you she has two daughters, one from her first marriage and the other from the third. This happened to her first daughter. This first daughter is also the one she always brags about here sef. That daughter has been in Cyprus for more than ten years, and Madam Stainless said she gave birth to her when she was seventeen—a product of the secondary school love that led to her first marriage. That one did not even last up to two years. She talked about this marriage on the day the news of a girl who committed suicide because a boy broke her heart in one university was trending online. She called it infatuation that deceives young people into thinking that the summary of life is hunger-stricken I-love-yous. But on a more honest note, you humans amaze me o. What is it about this love thing sef that has such a potent tendency to paralyse the cognitive functions of your brains? Is it a general humanity crisis abi I have just been burdened with defaulters? Because the thing really tire me. 

Ehenn! Before we go back to her daughter’s afternoon tea, let me even tell you something about her Cyprus daughter. Be calming down, you will get all the tea. Mama Naza asked her one time what the girl was doing abroad and Madam Stainless said content creator. The way she was hyping her daughter’s wisdom, you would think the girl is Solomon’s daughter. That woman is dramatic o, she even held her tummy and was like this better soup (as in the Cyprus babe), na her womb cook am. Honestly, bah! Whatever helps that woman sleep at night. The one mistake she made that day was mentioning her daughter’s social media handle because when Samty later searched the babe online, in eighty percent of her videos and pictures, she was barely wearing any clothes. The conclusion  for the whole shop was that she is an obodo oyibo prostitute and the content thing na just fronting. Her Instagram bio read: A little liberal libra; Full and Magnetic Femininity unlocked. That’s just the problem with broken people. Honestly. They will just go and find cute words to hide their skeletons. It’s not only ‘liberal libra’, even seraphim sera. Someone whose mother has not stayed successfully married—and did I mention she is a single mother abroad?—is online teaching women how to keep a man and be fully themselves. You people should embrace healing your inner child more (that is what they are calling it now abi?), not performing on social media. A whole 78k followers. She is now Samty’s role model sef. That girl and toxic—

Ewo! How are they already here?

Toh, they no even rate us enough to use better paint. The smell dey disturb me sef. E don be naa, I now bear the mark of death. See how they casually mark buildings for demolition? You humans! 

Did you hear about the people whose shops were demolished in Main Market Onitsha that went to your governor? Some of them were given only two weeks. They begged. They barely had time to even pack their goods. I heard they were not given any new locations to move to. Mama Naza shared their story here three days ago. Do you not wonder what stories those shops carried for all the years they stood? The parts of those people and every customer that only the shops knew. How much of your history is lost to destruction? The other shops creak with  grief. But grief belongs to the regretful; I choose to go down with none.

I’m sorry. This is not what you are here for. Please give me a moment. 

You know, I don’t find it surprising that Madam Stainless can’t stay married to one man. It is fine. My fate is inevitable. Even Madam Stainless cannot stay married to herself, not with her mouth and laugh that can massacre a person’s ego. Think about it—her mouth can only be compensation for her briefness. But honestly, though, what’s with small women and loud mouths?

That afternoon the main reason her daughter came was to convince Madam Stainless to return home because the man had been sick and it was getting worse. Why they did not do this over the phone or somewhere else, I don’t know. And it is not that I am saying she is a bad daughter, but it sounded like that girl was planning her father’s funeral. 

That kind of reminds me of the man Mama Naza said died of a stroke after his shop was destroyed. He was healthy until the incident, according to her. Hungry people. Your government is busy demolishing shops of hungry people to build a park abi what no one is even sure of. 

She said that when the shop owners affected went to meet your governor, he asked them if the crowd that came was all of them. He said they were too small, that they were disposable. Disposable. People whose votes put him in office. People he promised to be their solution. Mama Naza cursed his name; everyone here did, actually. I can only imagine how those in Main Market see him.

Anyway, Madam Stainless’s daughter and the funeral she was planning. Okay, oya make it make sense. How come all the girl could think of while her father was sick is how to make an inventory of his assets because she does not trust the girlfriend? Sha, the daughter’s tea ended with the brilliant idea of going back to the Aguata dibia, not to get a cure for the man o,  but a potion that will make him do whatever Madam Stainless says. True true,  fear women. 

Please, can these people just disappear from my line of sight? Look at that one walking like he is sick with self-importance. They should do fast, get on their bus and leave here. I hate the silence of the other buildings. Their resignation disgusts me, but it is wise sha. To remain a thing, a witness. After all, that is why we were built abi? But still, I will only be silent when I am dust, not when I stand. Even then, my stories will remain.

Pocket your emotions; we must hurry. That evening Madam Stainless did not pay was the last time she ever came here, but Nelo heard about her husband’s death and some cunning moves to acquire all his assets. Mama Naza even pretended to not be interested when Nelo finally opened up about it, but her ears were clearly higher than normal. As for that girlfriend, we heard she was sent back to the streets. Trust Madam Stainless na. Nelo also went for the burial, interestingly, but she is way too terrible at serving tea. When Amaka asked her how the burial was, she simply said, fine. Fine keh? What is fine? And when she pressed for more, Nelo just said there were many masquerades. So? Who that one epp? If only Mama Naza and Madam Stainless didn’t sever their bond with their tongues. Hmm. Omo, those two. 

That evening, trust Madam Stainless’s mouth, she responded with what did I even expect from a desperate woman like you after Mama Naza mentioned the boy. The gbas gbos started when Mama Naza said, look at pot calling kettle black and Madam Stainless tried to walk away. Ahhh! Mama Naza pulled her back, saying, come on, carry your small stout self back here!  Na so we come hear tiaaaaam! Mama Naza had ripped the sleeve of Madam Stainless’s blouse. Next thing we knew, Madam Stainless’s palm landed woozaaa! on Mama Naza’s face. 

Gbam! Your head dey there. All their friendship or whatever they called their relationship flush inside toilet. Not that I’m taking sides o but true true, Mama Naza has serious beef with the statement, “I will pay you later.” How she is even still married to a man who has been owing her for four years, I don’t know, or whether it’s even that one sef that is making her like this because this fight with Madam Stainless is not the first. There have been other customers. Ahh! If we open that chapter, you go sleep here today. Human beings dey o. Wallahi! 

About the boy. It is not clear what Madam Stainless would need a muscled young man with plenty tattoos for. All I know is that the tone of their conversations and how she was always sending him money no dey stainless from any angle. The day she did not pay, the boy came to pick her keys earlier, and we watched her make a transfer to him. You can imagine Mama Naza’s disbelief when she na refused to pay..

No o, Mama Naza did not get the chance to return the slap favour. Samty and Amaka separated them. Let me even gist you, there is this cool headed bobo, like seminarian wey miss him call, wey dey make some moves around Amaka now o. Even her fashion sense sef, I dey suspect say na the guy do am baptism. She is so much happier, better, even finer. But I no wan jinx am, I still dey observe. Hopefully, you know, before-

Forget am. Make we continue with that evening.  Mama Naza responded to the slap by raining insults on Madam Stainless, Fool. Idiot. Mad woman. Dey follow small children. That’s when Madam Stainless dropped the bomb. Call me mad, but at least I am a complete woman. Then she held her tummy and said, I carry children that live. That was the only thing she needed to say. Mama Naza even injured Samty as she plunged towards Madam Stainless. Thankfully, her blow didn’t land on Madam Stainless because, considering her briefness, it didn’t look like something she would have survived. Mama Naza was shouting that Madam Stainless should leave and never return when Amaka and Samty held her. 

Throughout the rest of the evening, Mama Naza was silent and didn’t even come the next day. Maybe it was guilt, but Madam Stainless transferred the money shortly after and never returned.

Yes, I know you want to know everything. But honestly, this tea about Mama Naza’s children is too heavy for today. Many women have come here with theirs too. The thing is, not everything born of a woman is actually a child. This is a story I must tell you. Please promise me you will return tomorrow unfailingly. I don’t know when next these people will come. 

Can you promise me?

Oya. I will see you tomorrow.